The Hilarious Exploits of Garrus Vakarian
by The Red Celt
Summary: (Formerly the "In Which Garrus . . ." series, just compiled.) A group of one-offs, usually revolving around Garrus finding out some weird new aspect of human culture. All are written in response to crack/comedy prompts, so I'll be updating this as they come up. Mentions of FemShep/Garrus, rated M for language and descriptions of sex/anatomy.
1. In Which Garrus Learns a New Word

"No, really, Joker," said Shepard, her voice dripping with skepticism.

"I'm serious! She was totally hot for me, kept giving me those 'come fuck me' eyes—"

"She was a stripper, Joker," said Garrus. "You do know that they're paid to do that, right?"

"Not the point." He took a sip from his beer and grinned. "Anyway, she had the biggest chest I've ever seen on an asari before. Totally motorboatable, if you get my meaning."

Shepard laughed so hard at that Garrus thought she was going to pull something. She'd had about five shots of tequila, and it was making her silly as all fuck. "Oh my god, Joker, tell me you didn't ask to motorboat an asari stripper."

"Uh . . . my translator isn't picking that up. What does a boat have to do with a woman's . . . endowments?"

"It doesn't have anything to do with boats, Garrus," Shepard said, turning an alarming shade of red. "Joker, why don't you explain this."

"Oh, huh uh," he said, grinning wide enough to split his face. "No, I think I'm gonna let you field this one, Commander."

"Your cheeks are the most amazing color. I didn't know humans could turn purple," said Garrus. The smug asshole grinned at her and Shepard thought, i_Oh, okay, you wanna play like that, huh?_/i She'd blame it on the alcohol later, but right now seeing the look on his face would be worth it.

"You son-of-a . . . all right, fine." She unbuttoned her shirt to reveal a few inches of cleavage and turned to Joker. "Care to demonstrate for Officer Vakarian?"

The pilot's eyes lit up like a five year old on Christmas.

"Wait, what are you doing?" Garrus asked, his gaze fixated on her mostly exposed breasts.

"Well, you can't do it because you'll probably rip one of your mandibles off, and you did want to know what it was. It's easier to just show you." She stood up and bent down, putting her assets at Joker's eye level. "Go ahead, before I change my mind."

"I love my job," said Joker, and he buried his face in her chest and shook his head back and forth, blowing a raspberry into her cleavage.

Garrus was totally speechless.

Shepard returned to her seat and buttoned her shirt back up, eyes bouncing back and forth between Joker (who looked like he could actually die of happiness) and Garrus (whose jaw was hanging almost to his keelbone).

"Why?" was the only thing the turian could think to say.

"It's more fun than sexual, and usually reserved for strippers."

"I just motorboated the Commander," said Joker bemusedly.

Garrus picked up his drink again and muttered into it, "Humans are so weird."


	2. In Which Garrus Goes Bungee Jumping

Shepard was just finishing up with the shopkeeper at Elkoss Arsenal on the Presidium when Joker shouted, "Hey, Shep, he's finally gonna jump!" She whipped around and saw Garrus running to the railing, his entire body broadcasting his panic. In the distance at the top of the Presidium stood James Vega, his back to the long vertical drop.

"Shepard, that's Vega! We have to help him!" He started to drag her to the rapid transport hub but she dug in her heels and wrenched her wrist out of his grip. He spun around, wild in his impatience to be off to save James, but Shepard just laughed.

"Garrus, it's fine. Really. He's been talking about doing this all day." She joined Joker at the railing and hollered, "Come on, Vega! Don't be a pussy!"

The turian just stared at her in horror. "You _want_ him to kill himself?"

Shepard gaped at him. "What? No! Oh my god, Garrus." She patted his arm reassuringly (she wasn't sure how effective that was, he was still looking at her like she'd grown an extra head or something) and pointed up to where Vega was psyching himself up. "Just watch."

Vega appeared to take a few deep breaths, then bent his knees and hurled himself out into empty space. Garrus eeped and his hand clenched on the railing as the man fell, but then he saw the black cord that spun out behind him. The cord stretched taut, Vega's descent slowed, and he bounced up and down, his body swinging back and forth as he rebounded.

Shepard whooped and whistled. "Way to go, Vega! Show 'em how it's done!" She glanced over at Garrus and saw that he was significantly calmer, but no less confused.

"He just jumped," he said, trying to make sense of the situation.

"Uh huh."

"Off the top of the Presidium."

"Yeah."

"For fun?"

"What can I say? We're a bunch of adrenaline junkies." Shepard winked at him and he shook his head. "Wanna try? I'll bet that rope's got another few jumps left in it."

"Hell no! Are you kidding me? Why would I want to hurl myself off a bridge?"

"Because it's fun?" She gave him her best cute-face and gazed up at him. "Please?"

"Absolutely not."

"I'll go with you. We can tandem jump."

"You're insane."

"Well, I did kill a thresher maw on foot, so . . . I'm gonna have to agree." Now it was her turn to pull him to the transit hub, and he wasn't really putting up his best resistance; she had him now. "Come on. I promise you'll love it."

His heart was beating double-time just thinking about going up there, but there was no fighting her. Shepard had a way of getting what she wanted, and he wasn't any more immune to it than anybody else. "The things I put up with for you . . ."

* * *

"I wanna go back down."

"We're already all strapped in, Garrus. Might as well do it." Their ankles were secured to the rope, which was coiled up next to them like a snake. It didn't look very sturdy up close, Garrus thought.

"You are _so_ gonna owe me for this, Shepard." He clung to her and refused to look at the drop; he had looked less terrified of the Reapers than he did of bungee jumping.

"Oh, I think I have a few ideas of what I could give you," she said, grabbing his ass and pulling his hips tight against hers. At least it was distracting him from what they were about to do.

"I'll just bet you do."

"_Come on, guys!_" came a shout from below that sounded suspiciously like Tali. "_I've seen plants move faster than you!_"

"Shut up, 'bosh-tet'!" Garrus yelled, and Shepard thought she heard the quarian giggle.

"Ready?" she asked.

"No."

"One . . . two . . . _three!_" They jumped off, and Garrus yelped when they left the solidity of the bridge and sailed out over the water. His eyes stayed open, though, and they both watched the pool rush at them. The sensation of free-falling was so fantastic and freeing that Shepard laughed as she screamed, the bungee cord tightening around their legs. After Garrus was reassured that the cord wouldn't snap under their combined weight and send them plummeting to their deaths, he allowed the exhilaration to wash over him and he laughed right along with her. From somewhere behind them he heard Joker, Vega, and Tali shouting at them but they seemed so far away.

"See, that wasn't so bad." She kissed his mandible and smiled.

"Actually that was . . . kind of fun." He grinned back at her. "Think we could go again?"

"Oh, yeah." As they were reeled back up, she said something that made his blood run cold again. "Maybe next time we'll go skydiving."


	3. In Which Garrus Kills a Bug

Garrus wandered out of the battery in the middle of the night after a long shift to get something out of the mess. Whatever his original plans, they flew out of his head when he found Shepard, standing in the dark in her pajamas with a can of insecticide in one hand and the other on the light switch. Gardner's post was swathed in shadow, and the rest of the lights were so dim he could barely make her out. Garrus stopped in his tracks and watched his commanding officer stand motionless just outside the kitchen area, as if waiting for something.

"Uh, Shepard? What are you doing?"

"Waiting for the little bastards to come out of hiding."

"What little bastards?"

"Shhh!" she hissed, never taking her eyes off the kitchen area. "You'll scare them off."

"Are you still freaking out over the roaches? Compared to the insect life on Palaven, they're really not that scary. I could—"

"Look, Garrus, I know you're trying to help, but you don't get it. If you don't get them all immediately, the fuckers will take over everything. I've been seriously considering letting EDI take the ship up by herself to space the lot of them." She paused for a minute, her eyes straining to see her tiny adversaries in the shadows. "But then they could probably survive that, too. I wouldn't be at all surprised . . . resilient sons of bitches, they are."

"I think you might be over-reacting, Shepard." Her trigger finger twitched over the button of the can as she prepared to make her move, wondering if she should go get her gun. Maybe she should just kill one, impale it on a toothpick and set it out as a warning to its friends.

"Just watch, okay?" She counted down from five and flipped on the lights. There were about twenty of them on the countertop and another dozen or so spread out on the floor and the cabinets. Shepard attacked them with a throaty war-cry, spraying down the whole area before the bugs could retreat. Garrus looked on in awe as the normally very reserved commander went completely unhinged and tore open cabinets and drawers, hunting down every last roach.

"Okay," she said finally, the astringent smell of Raid heavy in the still air. "I think that's all of them."

"Now that's settled, permission to enter the war-zone?" She chuckled but stopped abruptly when she turned to look at him, her eyes wide. "Honestly, you and Chakwas are the worst—"

"Garrus?"

"—although I can understand her concern, she needs to maintain a clean environment—"

"Uh, Garrus?"

"—but you humans have been going nuts . . . what's wrong?"

"You've got one—"

And that was when he felt something small hop onto his face and crawl beneath his mandible. He hollered loud enough to drown out a thresher maw and scrabbled at his cheek, flaring out his mandible as far as it would go to get at the roach that was getting dangerously close to—

"_It's in my mouth, oh fuck it's in my mouth!_" He tore his gloves off and dug in his mouth, sputtering and spitting until the bug landed on the floor. It tried to run toward the safety of the cabinets, but Garrus lashed out with one foot and stomped it until it was an unrecognizable brown smear on the floor. He scrubbed at his face and pushed Shepard aside to run his violated mandible under the tap, swishing water as best he could and spitting it into the sink. When he turned the faucet off and stood there, braced on the counter and panting like he'd just run a marathon, he realized that Shepard was leaning against the wall, laughing with her arms clutching her stomach.

"Shut up, it's not funny."

"The hell it isn't! 'You're over-reacting, Shepard,'" she said, complete with air quotes, before bursting into fresh gales of laughter.

"It was in my _mouth_." He shuddered and wondered if spending the next six hours in decontamination would be considered a waste of resources.

"Oh my god, the look on your face!" She slung her arm over his shoulders, fighting back giggles and wiping tears from her eyes. "I'm sorry, Garrus, but I did try to tell you."

"Yeah, yeah, laugh it up." He looked up at the ceiling and said, "EDI?"

"Yes, Officer Vakarian?" came the computerized voice from the intercom.

"Would spacing the roaches kill them?"

"They would be unable to sustain life in the sub-zero temperatures and negative atmosphere of space."

"Good." He grabbed the can of insecticide and headed back to the battery, grumbling while Shepard continued laughing behind him. When the doors were shut, she called EDI.

"Yes, Shepard?"

"Tell me you got that on camera."


	4. In Which Garrus Gets A Lesson in Anatomy

Garrus walked into the store, feeling more and more like a pervert every second. From outside, the place was unassuming and even the name—Simple Pleasures—didn't give much away. Inside, though, was a different story altogether. There were several smaller rooms that led off of the entrance area-slash-check-out counter, each with a sign printed in red script over the doorway: Clothes (never was there a looser interpretation of that word, he thought as he glanced at what looked to be tangles of straps depending from plastic hangers), Videos, Toys, and one that read "For Adventurous Types" which sparked his curiosity.

For all the turians' talk of casual sex, it was in the area of kinky sex that his people were still behind. The asari had always been the most likely to use toys and play around in the bedroom but humans, when they'd been officially accepted onto the Citadel, were notorious for being the freakiest species anyone had ever seen. Their porn alone was enough to make the most liberal asari raise her eyebrows, not to mention the amount and types of fetishes they had. The more he thought about Shepard and her suggestion that they get together for some stress relief, the more he wondered if he'd gotten in over his head.

He was wandering around the 'toy' section, not really sure what he was looking for, when a young human woman came up to him. Her arms were sleeved in tattoos and she had a dozen piercings in her ears, including the large open hole in the lobe that so many humans seemed fond of. He almost expected her to jingle when she walked, she was sporting so much metal.

"Good afternoon, sir," she said, all smiles as she pushed a lock of bright pink hair behind her ear. "Are you looking for anything in particular?"

"I . . . well, I'm not sure." He considered whether or not he wanted to tell her what his problem was. "Do you have any vids on interspecies . . . uh, relations?"

She smiled and the light winked off the ring in her nose. "Sure, right this way." She led him into the video room and pointed to a rack of wall-to-wall display cards with download codes in the corner. There had to be hundreds of them, and he groaned inwardly. "Was there any species in particular you were looking for?"

"Turian-human?"

"That's one of the rarer ones, so there aren't very many," she said apologetically, and showed him the shelf with the relevant vids. There were maybe fifteen of them and glanced at the titles. There was one that looked promising—"Skin and Plates: A Guide to the Turian and Human Anatomy", but upon further inspection turned out to be more clinical and less practical than he'd like.

"Thanks for your time," he said, and turned to leave.

"I might be overstepping here," said the sales girl, "but I could help, if you want."

"Help me how?"

"You're not the first turian to come in here looking for a tutorial on human women, you know," she said. "I happen to be something of an expert on the subject, so if you want a basic overview of what to do, I'd be happy to help. Free of charge, of course," she added with a wink.

"Uh, sure. If you have time, that is."

"No problem. Come on." They went back up to the counter and she sat on the stool behind it. "So, give me the rundown."

"Huh?"

"Tell me about the lucky lady," she elaborated.

"Well, uh . . . hmmm." Where to start? "We've known each other for a long time, and we're good friends. A few days ago, she let me know that she was interested, and now—"

"—you're looking for ways to rock her world?"

"Pretty much, yeah."

"Gotcha." She rummaged under the counter and emerged with a silicone model of the lower half of a human female torso. It was the last thing Garrus had expected to see and he blinked in surprise, but it was obvious she handled things like that all the time as she casually set it on the counter. "Okay, this is the human vagina," she said, turning it his direction. "We've got all sorts of cute names for it—pussy, vag, clam, cunt, ham wallet—"

"I get the idea," he said drily.

"Yeah, okay. Anyway, this is your basic shape. Sometimes it'll look a bit different—the inner lips, those flaps of skin right there, might be bigger, or she'll have hair, or whatever—but it's got all the important parts." She pulled the folds open and he found himself leaning in for a closer inspection. She pointed at a small nub at the top. "This is the clit. It's your magic button; you can make a woman orgasm a lot easier with this than anything else, if you know how to do it."

"So how do I do it?" he asked. The sales girl's casual attitude was putting him more at ease about this than he'd been for days.

"With your finger, or your tongue."

"Tongue? Human women are into that?" Turians did something similar, but humans and their oral fixations had made up a significant amount of the talk around the water cooler back in C-Sec.

"Oh, yeah. There's no set pattern; you can go around in circles, or from side to side, or pull the hood back—like this—and flick it, whatever you want. Be nice if you go under the hood, though, you can accidentally over-stimulate her if you're not careful," she said, demonstrating with her finger.

This was turning out to be more complicated than he'd thought.

"But licking everywhere is good. Up through here, and around the entrance here. Now, you might hit on a good rhythm. You'll know if you do, because you'll get a lot of shaking thighs, maybe some more moaning—my point is, she'll let you know. If she does that, _stay where you are_ and keep doing whatever it is you're doing, because you're about to make her come."

"Okay." The thought of Shepard moaning, her thighs tightening around his head as he tasted her . . . he quashed that train of thought before he made a noise or otherwise embarrassed himself.

"Do you cut your talons?"

The question caught him off-guard and it took him a second to reorient himself. "Uh, no, I keep them long. Why?"

"Because if you're going to use your fingers on her, you're gonna want to cut them. Nothing spoils the mood quite like evisceration."

"Oh . . . Spirits, I could have gone the rest of my life without that visual."

"Sorry," she said, and turned quickly back to the model. "I mentioned it because there's another thing you can do, but it involves putting your fingers inside." She poked the tip of her finger into the model's opening and wiggled it around a little. "There's a spot in here, about a few inches in and toward the front, that's called the g-spot. Don't ask me why. Anyway, a g-spot orgasm is about the most intense feeling in the universe."

That got his attention. "Oh, really?"

"Yeah. Now, your fingers are longer than a human's so you shouldn't have any problem reaching it. You're looking for a slightly rougher patch of skin, and I think this model . . . yeah, there it is." She removed her finger and motioned him closer. "Stick your finger in there and see if you can find it."

It took a little maneuvering, but he eventually managed to locate the spot she was talking about. He also understood what she meant about cutting his nails—humans were tighter and softer than turian females, and he could really do some damage if he wasn't careful.

"What you want to do is curl your finger like you're telling someone to come here, like this," she said, demonstrating. "It feels really good, but it can also feel like you have to pee if you're new to the experience. Just go slow and work her into it—it might take a while, but the results are _totally_ worth it." She set the model aside and took a deep breath. "Okay, now we move onto the tits." She grabbed her chest and said, "These are tits. We have cute names for them, too, but that's not important." With a furtive glance at the door, she reached back under her shirt and started fumbling with something.

"What are you do—oh, okay, wow." The girl had gotten her bra off without even removing her shirt (which he had to admit was impressive) and proceeded to pull said shirt up to show him her breasts. "You can put them away now."

"Do you want to learn or don't you?" Humans with zero body-shyness were something Garrus hadn't encountered very often (apart from strippers, streakers, and the occasional instance of drunken nakedness), but he did want to make his experience with Shepard a memorable one . . .

"Yes, I do. Proceed."

"All right," she muttered, as if to say _Prude_, and he rolled his eyes. "As I was saying, these are tits. They're supposed to be used for feeding babies, but they're also a secondary sex organ. This part—this darker bit here—this is the areola, and the little nubbin here in the middle is the nipple. You can lick it, suck it, flick it, rub it—whatever you want, and if she's anything like me, it'll feel really good. Keep in mind, though: they're sensitive. And attached. So be kind to the titties, and they will be kind to you, got it?"

"I got it." _I think._

"Now, I won't get into anal or fisting or anything like that—"

"_Fisting?_" He really hoped that didn't mean what he thought it meant.

"—and based on what I've seen of turian porn, the way your people fuck is pretty similar to the way humans do it. The one thing I've never seen, though, is what's called the 'doggy-style' position, where the woman's on all fours in front of you and you—"

"Yeah, I get it." That had been something covered in the vids Mordin had sent over. He had no idea what to make of the fact that the salarian doctor had such an extensive porn collection.

"Anyway, that one's a lot of fun. Also, if she's on her back you can raise her legs or kinda fold her knees up toward her chest and do it like that—that'll get you angled toward the g-spot I was talking about."

Garrus wasn't sure if all humans were as flexible as this girl was making them out to be, but he fully intended to find out. All this talk was putting some really interesting images in his head and he wanted to get back to the Normandy to do a little more . . . hands-on research.

"So, that's about it. You've got enough to start with, anyway." She put her shirt back down almost as an afterthought, but left the bra where it lay on the floor. "Have fun, and let me know if there's anything else you need."

He wound up buying a bottle of lubricant that was supposed to be safe for dual-chirality use and headed back to the ship.

Shepard was in for one big surprise tonight.

* * *

Anita arrived at Simple Pleasures two days later to unlock the doors and set out the new stock of double-headed vibrators ("now in krogan size!" proclaimed the box) with a head full of preparations she needed to make before opening for the day when she noticed a white box beside the door. She frowned; the delivery guys knew to put all packages by the back doors, but sometimes there was a new guy who screwed up. She took the box inside and noticed there was a small card attached when she set it on the counter.

_We can't thank you enough for your help. Your lessons have made us a very happy couple. :)_

_Signed, J. Shepard and G. Vakarian_

Vakarian, that sounded like a turian name . . . and then she remembered the turian who came in a few days ago and smiled to herself. She flipped back the lid and inside was a round layer cake with blue flowers on it. She laughed out loud, plunking down on her stool just before her knees gave out. She'd given lessons before and it always brightened her day to know she'd made someone happy, but no one had ever gone so far as to thank her with cake. He must really have done a good job.

She was still chuckling when she went to the back room to put the cake in the break room, and made a mental note to find herself a turian boyfriend as soon as possible.


	5. In Which Garrus Gets To See Some Boobies

"Hey, Kasumi," Shepard said, peeking into the port observation deck. "Got a min—oh, hey Garrus." The turian waved at her over a bottle of some very interesting chartreuse-colored liquid that looked to contain an entire tablespoon of glitter. "What the hell is that?"

"Dextro beer."

"Asari-made?"

He tipped his head at the shiny stuff he'd been drinking and said, "It has alcohol in it."

"Uh huh. Anyway, I'll just come back later if you're busy."

Kasumi was up off her couch like a shot and pulled Shepard into the room. "Don't be silly, you weren't interrupting anything, and we can always use more conversationalists. Right, Garrus?"

"Umm—"

"See? Told you." She gestured for Shepard to sit down and she obeyed with more than a little confusion. "What's up?"

"I want another one," she said, fingering the thin saddle plugs that decorated her earlobes. She had two in each ear that she planned to stretch so the bottom one was larger than the top, and she had an industrial post in her left ear along with a ring in her tragus. In her right ear were three posts in a line along the outer shell. There was also a small screw in her nose.

And those were just the ones you could see.

She had only ever worn a pair of studs until a month ago, but she found the process addictive: the planning of where to put the next one, the anticipation of having it done, the actual piercing itself, and then admiring it in the mirror afterward. Shepard had fallen in love with the aesthetic, and it was all thanks to the thief, who had a few very nice ones herself under her hood and catsuit.

"Where do you want it?" Kasumi asked, reaching for her kit.

"In my tongue."

Garrus took another swig of his girly beer and turned to watch. "What are you two talking about?" It sounded vaguely naughty, and he wasn't sure whether to be creeped out by the idea or really intrigued.

"Shepard wants another piercing."

"What, like the fifty others she already has?"

"Hey, I only have . . ." she ticked them off on her fingers, ". . . thirteen. Which isn't a lot, really."

"For a military officer, it is." He counted the ones he knew about and could only come up with ten. He was going to ask about it, but the two girls looked busy just then. Shepard went around the bar and got a cup of warm water into which she mixed a large quantity of salt while Kasumi laid out her tools. They looked like instruments of torture: a small pair of tongs, a needle, a surgical steel barbell, and some gauze just in case.

"Okay, ready?" Kasumi asked after Shepard had rinsed out her mouth. The commander nodded and stuck out her tongue, which was seized by the tongs and pressed flat. Kasumi positioned the needle over the spot she wanted and counted to three before shoving it through the thick muscle. Shepard never flinched, but her eyes closed and she made a sound that sent shivers down Garrus' spine. He watched the whole process while cringing and wondering if all humans were into pain like this. As Kasumi screwed the ball end of the barbell on, Shepard looked positively transported by bliss.

"Okay, all done." Shepard leaned back and rolled her new piercing over her teeth, smiling at the tiny clacking sound it made. "How are the others doing?"

"Pretty good. The one on my left—" she flicked her eyes over to Garrus and cleared her throat before continuing, "—uh, nipple looks like it might be rejecting, though."

"Really? It's not supposed to do that. Let me see." Shepard looked over at Garrus, who had frozen in a deer-in-the-headlights pose with his beer in one hand and the other poised over the bar as if it was on the way to something and forgot at the last minute what it was doing.

"Hey, don't mind me," he said, regaining control of his motor functions. "Turian, remember? No interest in squishy people." _Not much, anyway. No, really. Go for it_, he thought.

Shepard, who had lost much of her shame long ago after being made to take group showers and hot bunk her way through dozens of tours, whipped her shirt up over her head and started taking off her bra while Garrus tried not to look like he was staring. She got the hooks undone and stripped it off, baring her upper half to god and everybody. As much as Garrus tried to tell himself that humans didn't spark his interest, he couldn't help but admire the aesthetics of Shepard's form. He was wired to prefer plating, but those curves and smooth contours were certainly easy on the eye.

"Like what you see, big guy?" Shepard asked, and Garrus shook himself. He'd been staring.

"Well, from a purely artistic standpoint, you're very attractive." He mentally facepalmed, because that didn't sound creepy at all.

"I wouldn't have pegged you as the artsy type." Kasumi had Shepard's left breast in her hand and was closely inspecting the silver nipple shield for any signs of infection or rejection. It was terribly distracting and Garrus had to tear his gaze away several times.

"Uh, yeah." _Don't stare at her waist, don't stare at—oh, hell, she's already never gonna let you live this down, might as well get the most out of it._ "Back in school I wanted to take up painting, but there isn't a lot of opportunity to learn about shading and color palettes in basic."

"Really? Huh." Kasumi judged her tits to be healing well and prescribed a saltwater soak for the crusty stuff at the edges of the piercing. Shepard started putting her clothes back on and Garrus was both grateful and disappointed when she tugged her shirt down over that fantastically curved waist of hers. "I always wanted to take up the guitar. Had one all picked out and everything—a vintage Fender Jagstang in mint green. Damn, that thing was sexy." The way the word _sexy_ rolled out of her mouth made the muscles in Garrus' midsection quiver.

"I'll bet," Kasumi said, watching his reactions out of the corner of her eye. "Well, enjoy the new hole in your head."

"Yep. I'm gonna go play with it." She left with a grin and a wave and Garrus turned to Kasumi. The thief had a huge grin on her face and he groaned with embarrassment.

"That . . . was evil."

"After what you told me earlier, you can't sit there and tell me that you didn't enjoy the show."

"I swear, if you breathe a word of that to her—"

She threw her hands up to deflect his threats, but the grin stayed put. "I collect secrets, but I don't share them. Usually. Although, I could let a little something slip, maybe hint around, get her interested? Hmm?" She wiggled her eyebrows at him—at least, he thought that's what she did. It was hard to see under her hood.

"Good night, Ms. Goto." He finished his beer and threw the bottle into the trash chute.

"So that's a yes, then?"

"_Good night_, Kasumi."

"I'll just go ahead then, shall I?"

Before he left he turned back and glanced at her over his shoulder. "Just . . . no details, okay? Nothing too obvious."

"You got it, Garrus."

The doors hissed shut and it took until he got all the way back to the battery that with the nipple piercings, that still only accounted for twelve of the thirteen Shepard had claimed she had.


End file.
